Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mating dances

*image courtesy of

Amelia says -

Anna made me start to think about all the different mating dances we do. And there are a lot of them. And most of them mimic in some way the mating rituals found among animals. Of course that makes sense because when we are after a mate, we revert to our animal instincts: will you be a good provider? How much food will you bring home? What does your shelter look like? How many supports can you bring to my life? How good are your jeans (genes)?

Every now and then we all like to flash our tail feathers. Maybe for you that means your wallet. For me, I've got a great rack.

We also need to know that our prospects will make good mates. Like Anna said, that has a lot to do with your skills on the dance floor. The more they look like moves from the bedroom, the better a mate you must be. If you can accomplish that with clothes on, imagine the possibilities when naked!

Our mating calls. This must be boastful, directed and inviting. "How you doin?" is getting a bit old but never fear. Apparently it also wasn't direct enough so many mate seekers resort to lines like "hey hot stuff. We should do it". The more socially adept will say something along the lines of "can I have your number?" or "let me buy you a drink". They are proving that they will make superior mates because they will consider your needs and desires both inside and outside the bedroom.

Padding. We need to make our homes look inviting to the opposite sex. Bachelors who are looking to successfully "pick up" might clean the dirty towels off the bathroom floor, ensure that there is toilet paper in the bathroom because no girl likes to drip dry and make sure that there is at least juice in the fridge for breakfast. Bachelorettes will purchase a queen sized bed that is "much too large for just me", ensure that their fridge is stocked with bacon, eggs, juice and all the ingredients necessary for a breakfast of champions and will double check that their tampons, tweezers, birth control pills and sex toys are all hidden so as not to intimidate their prospective mates.

Well done all.
You should have succeeded by now.
You haven't? Call louder next time.

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