Sunday afternoon. I'm listening to Andrea Bocelli-Romanza, sitting in my new "home" watching cyclists and runners go by from my living room window...Will and Grace is on pause. Just one of those amazing (AMAZING!) days for rest and relaxation.
I went out yesterday night-to a place called O'Byrne after doing some window shopping on Whyte Ave. I was wearing a black tank and capris and it left marvelous to walk outside without the threat of rain/snow/a jacket...
So as i was walking I noticed that the patios were packed with people sipping on iced lattes, etc., laughing, smiling. My friend and I decided to stop for ice cream which I engulfed in a matter of seconds (caramal fudge + chocolate lovers chocolate). We then met up with another friend to have Blue Disco Lemonade at a place called Dadio's (vodka and lemonade). After three glasses-I us girls started doing what we do best...bitch (in all actuality, it was I who was doing most of the ranting). One of us had recently been rejected by one of our very close friends. Of course, this particular gal was all class and showed no sign of hurt feelings. We all applauded her grace...but then, (maybe it was the lemonade), but I started to get pissed. "Honestly, why the f*ck would he ever (EVER!) reject you?!?! You're gorgeous. You're in law school. You have a personality that every girl envies...I don't get it."
This brought back memories of Guy at which point I dished on the fact that I had printed out the email that he had sent me and highlighted portions I had disagreed with and arguments rebutting the statements he made. In all honesty, I guess it does sound slightly pathetic in hindsight. But it got me thinking-why us?
Sitting across from me at Dadio's were two beautiful, intelligent women-full of personality and enthusiasm. We started thinking about out common attributes (bubbly, happy, in law, etc.). Was it that men were intimidated by us? Was it that we were just too excitable? Was it that we weren't pretty enough? Is it that you sort of need to be a bit of a bitch (ie. cold) to show that you are confident?
We started analyzing the guys that we went for. Was it that they were too good for us? Was it that they were just really really different from the average male? Was it that they thought that they were too good for us? Was it that they thought that something better would come along???
I walked home, pondering these questions. What can I do to change myself? Is it something in my personality that is a bit too much??
I went to O'Byrne and stood at a table surrounded by guys from my class. Average looking guys (some would even say below average)...all with girlfriends. I looked around the bar at ugly as ass guys making out with gorgeous girls. Suddenly, I started to get that feeling. Mother f*ckers! What the hell is wrong with this picture???? I just don't understand!!!!! Here I am, looking as good as I'll ever look (I mean, I should be in my prime right?), but nothing. NOTHING. Not even a gaze in my direction (I swear).
Finally, in sheer frustration I coaxed the girls onto the dance floor to bust a move to 90s classics like ("Miami", and Lauren Hill)...not a glance....So, here's my theory.
You can knock yourself out trying to find someone...anyone (and let's be honest, by the time you're 24 and single you get a touch desperate), but it won't work. Why? We each have an invisible force field around us. It's not one thing like bad breath, or a bad personality, or being 'not so great looking' it's this shield that surrounds us that guys just pass over because they can't get through. In other words, it's not us...it's just how the world works. It's your religious you could even trump this us to God attempting to protect us from ass holes out there.
This theory will keep me going for the summer. I really hope.