Thursday, November 11, 2010

All Fo Sho'

I am in my big girl bed. I have my laptop balanced on my knees with a pile of papers surrounding me. I'm in my final year of law school, so there's this sense of peace and optimism about my life that I have never felt before. I get up in the mornings, make my green tea, get on the bus to go to school (with all these idiot teenagers), and I think "Yes! Hell yes. On my way to...Well, it doesn't matter where, but I'm on my way somewhere." I haven't felt this way in a long time.

Which has led to to this other area of my life that seems to be totally lacking in anything glittery and new. Yes ladies and gents (if there are any gents out there reading), it is my relationships or lack there of. I made an ode in second year that I wouldn't think about it. I wouldn't even touch that area of my mind that thought "Man...he is smokin' hot" because I went there. I went there, and I got burned (please see October of 2009 where I professed to a guy that I liked him and received a resounding "Are you serious? I don't feel the same way...Ummmm...." We haven't talked since).

The self-doubt was everywhere in 2009. It was about my hair, about my face, about my body, about my nose, about my teeth, about my (gulp!) personality. I decided that I needed to do a "man cleanse". I decided that I was done searching for someone and that it was time for HIM to search for ME.

Giving up was easy-it involved me turning inward. Not going out. Sitting at home watching re-runs of Fraiser, going on solitary walks, reading books, etc. But alas, being alone blows.

So, I decided to try the Mixers, the bar rights, etc. and my first experience was interesting...

I went to this little event called the "Med/Law Mixer." Basically a mixer for med and law hopes of creating the Crosby Show. It was not successful. But I haven't given up...So here I am putting it all out there for you to see!

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

To cheat or not to cheat?

Ava says...

Is it crazy for a woman to ask the question, "is it ever okay to cheat?" Don't get me wrong, things are still peachy in my paradise but I've always pondered whether there are situations where cheating can be justified or forgiven. Are you unhappy in the relationship? Having trouble communicating? Had one too many margaritas that night? Are these reasons cause for justification? For "forgiveness?" I guess that's debatable. Do we forgive and forget solely because of that age old fear that we just don't want to be alone....don't want to single.....again? I would lean towards this option. Maybe it's easier to try and rebuild the broken trust because it's harder or more stressful to find someone new.

I've been cheated on. It was the worst feeling in the world knowing your man has been intimate with another while claiming to love you. You want details; how he touched them, did he kiss them the way he kisses you, did she cum? The level of trust you two once had is broken and it's really up in the air whether you'll get it back again. I forgave...I "forgot", but is it ever the same after the damage has been done?

What's worse?

Everyone's heard the argument of physical cheating vs. emotional cheating. Is one harder to move on from than the other? On the one hand, it was only sex. On the other hand, why did it have to happen in the first place?? Was I not enough? Did I not give him enough? yada yada. On the flipside emotional cheating is having genuine feelings for someone other than your current partner. I've been the cheated and it's been physical.....I moved on (tried to move on). It was only sex, I can forgive that. People make mistakes yada yada. However I'm thinking the emotional cheater would be more difficult to forget. Having real emotions for another person behind the back of the one you claim to love...I can't imagine how awful that would feel.

Am I just naive? Can you ever really forget something like that? I could count my blessings and say that he wasn't in love with any of them. But there's the rub; if he was only in love with me then why get your hands dirty in the first place?