Saturday, October 17, 2009

Dear People In Relationships...

Anna says...
Dear People In Relationships (excluding lovely Ava and Amelia),

Please stop inviting me to things involving your boyfriends or girlfriends. Yes, yes, I know it's their birthday and it's the VERY last time night they will EVER be 25...but, to be honest with you, I'd rather shove a toothpick in my eye that catch a glimpse of you and your bf/gf making out or licking eachother while I try to enjoy my eighth martini of the evening.

And! While, I'm writing this little note to you...I'd appreciate it (sincerely and deeply) if you would refrain from speaking about said bf/gf to me every time I run into you or speak to you on the phone. Honestly, I don't want know how hot the sex is (it really doesn't help when you're not getting some), or the fact that she's not spending enough time with you (might I suggest getting your own life?). And, just to let you know, when you say "God, I'm talking so much about him. I'm sorry..." your subconcious is giving you a signal to shut the fuck up. Follow it. For the sake of my sanity.

Also, would you mind not giving me sympathetic glances while you cuddle on the couch? I mean, I'm really, REALLY trying to hold back the urge to pour my red wine all over your white see-through blouse and literally jab the jagged edges of my broken wine glass at your boyfriend's neck.

While I'm at it, can I also inform you that the "Oh, you're leaving already" remarks at 2:00 AM make me want to scream. As much I LOVE and I mean LOVE hearing about your Euro-trash friends and your Euro-trash music, I would rather be sleeping or chugging sambuca straight from the bottle.

So, friends in relationships, although I know how much you just LOVE getting together for large gatherings of ALL your closest friends (where the single people in the room stare awkwardly at the interesting cracks in the walls while you give eachother handjobs under the table) please don't invite me. Really. I mean, come to think of it, you would be saving YOURSELVES the trouble! I mean, I tend to drink and stuff my face quite a bit when I feel uncomfortable, so just think of the money you'd be saving in booze and food alone.



P.S. Do you mind forwarding this to your friends too? It really would save me the trouble.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Quick Coffee With Anna @ Starbucks.

Anna says...
I'm at Starbucks at the moment...10 minutes until class starts. I'm sipping a venti Passion Fruit tea on a leather couch. It's cold. I wish that I had an enormous throw to cover myself in because on a fall day like today...that's totally what a person needs...a warm blanket and something hot to drink. That's all I've got for erotica over here! I suffer from no imagination. It kind of sucks.

This past week has been a haze of assignments, mid-terms and sweat. I haven't much time to think of relationships (which is a good thing because at this point the entire prospect makes me depressed).

I had a meeting with a lawyer recently who talked about non-traditional legal careers. I was expecting her to tell all of us that there are other things you can do with a law join the circus...but really her whole message was "Bury yourself into your work. Become the law. Join every committee and say yes to every opportunity." So. I've decided to (attempt!) put sleep aside and get out there and meet new people. Will this get me a date? I have no idea. But perhaps the key is to stop looking and something will come along all on its own.

Ta for now. Off to sit through a three hour class (while sipping my tea...basically the highlight of my day!).


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Neurotica Part 2

Ava Says...

So Amelia gave us her installment a couple months back and I found it so amusing I thought, why not make it a regular column of sorts. So here is my approach, for your reading pleasure.

“You are the most beautiful woman in the world,” He said taking her hand in his and pulling her close.

She rolled her eyes. “Please, if Megan Fox was sitting in this living room I’m sure you’d trade up.”

“Nonsense” he exclaimed. “I think you are the most attractive, seductive, intelligent, funny, and charming woman I’ve ever met and I thank my lucky stars every night that you chose me.”

She turned her head away from him so to conceal the rosy flush surfacing on her cheeks.

“Don’t shy away from me” he started. “I mean every word. When you blush with embarrassment, I fall even more in love with you. You are so sexy. I hope you know that you’re the only one for me; it infuriates me to know that other men have hurt you in the past. Although at least their shortcomings have brought you to me so I guess in our case I should be thanking those douche bags who have hurt you” He smiled and enveloped her supple lips in an explosive kiss.

“I love the way you kiss me” She sighed. He smiled as his hands slowly trailed down to her ample bosom, gently caressing each mound.

Soft moans escaped her lips as his hands continued to explore every inch of her body.

“I love that you’re a real woman. I hate women who think starving themselves is attractive. You are perfect.”

“Really?” She asked surprised.

“Don’t sound so surprised” He said. “Real women have curves; there is nothing sexy about touching a bag of bones.”

His hands continued to wander, trailing down her stomach, landing comfortably on her moist, aching butterfly. He stopped, smirking as he slid out from under her clutches.

“Such a tease” She sighed slumping further into the couch.

“As much as I would love to pleasure you all night long, I have to make us dinner first” He kissed her forehead.

“Do you need any help” She called.

“Oh no” he replied. “I’ll be rewarding myself by having my gorgeous girl for dessert. Oh, and don’t feel the need to return the favour, men don’t really like oral sex.”

“Can I return the favour anyway?” She asked seductively.

“As long as I can have you first and for as long as you can take it. Me? Two minutes is enough, I don’t want to take time away from you” He responded kissing her gently on the nose.

“Deal” She replied.

“Deal” He smiled as he tied an apron tightly around his muscular frame.

"Picture perfect" She smiled.

Reason #374 Why I'm Not Making Babies

Amelia says -

Reason #97
I work with young adults who sometimes act like babies, sometimes could use some parenting, sometimes have babies of their own. And those babies are so vulnerable - they have no idea what kind of shit mom's been through, or how angry dad gets, or how easy it would be for both to screw up and that precious little baby family becomes broken beyond repair. I love those babies (both the adult and the new kind) and I will take them, bounce them, cuddle them, coo at them and then they puke in my face.

Reason #132
I have a lovely relationship with my twat. We get along great. I treat it with respect and demand that others do as well. It's only fair you know.
I remember surprising the crap out of a guy once who asked me if I were a red head. I said I'd dyed my hair red but no. He asked for clarification (because he's apparently crude AND stupid) - "so the carpet doesn't match the drapes?" He looked to his buddies for their smirks of approval while I said "I don't have a carpet. I like hardwood floors."
Now seriously, if I am protective, loving and completely responsible to my twat, why on earth would I ever want to force a watermelon through it?

Reason #256
When they're your babies, you can't give them back

Reason #374
I don't want to have to explain that I don't know whose it is. I thought about this the other day when trying to calculate my next period. If it didn't come, I would have no idea who was responsible. And I don't think it would go over to well when I tried to explain to everyone that we'd just have to wait 9 months to see what color it was.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Amelia says -

I've seen a lot of dick in my life. Some of it intentional, some of it not (whoops!). And seriously, my idea of "a lot" is probably much less than your's - except you Anna - I've probably seen more than you assume. I'm not saving myself for marriage and I don't believe that my virginity is my "self", and I do believe in test driving cars and men, and sometimes I just believe in fun. Case in point, I am very comfortable with my dick-seeing.

I'm also in a point in my life that I'm very proud to be in. After my last relationship I felt kind of broken for a good chunk of time. And when I make a mental image of myself now, more often than not, I am ducked and covered. But I think that new protectiveness comes along with some self-awareness that I didn't have before. I'm ENJOYING being single. I'm not closing doors. I'm kind of seeing one guy - an artist - and I'm sleeping with another. And I'm happy. I know that the artist wants more, that he wants a relationship with me, he knows that I'm not ready but he's ready to give me whatever I need because I'm important to him. I know that I will probably never have more with the booty call. And I'm comfortable.

The first time I slept with the artist - who is Japanese - he asked me "what do you think of Asian penis?" I jokingly said "you know, it does the job". But I was thinking - seriously, I don't think you have an Asian penis. I was ready for disappointment and it didn't happen. I've seen Cauc-Asian penises that were smaller. The fourth time I slept with the artist he asked me "what is your favorite position?". I told him. The fifth time I slept with the artist we tried it. To no avail. I quickly suggested another position which disappointed him. He had wanted to enjoy my favorite with me. But with him, it was no longer a favorite. He said "I don't think we fit together". I balked - we're great together! We're hilarious! I love spending time with you! He said "physically".

I guess we're made with bigger bits (or should I say bolts), us caucasian girls are. Realizing that was one of the hardest relationship issues I've ever been faced with. There was nothing I could do. My innards were just too long, my body too tall. Realizing that I was crying was one of the most surprising revelations I've had. This guy could hurt me! I am SERIOUSLY into him! I ducked and covered.

We decided to keep seeing each other. That it worked before, it would work again, just not in certain positions and we may have to be creative. Creative is my middle name. Bring it on. But bring it slowly because I'm not quite ready to be seriously serious.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Gerard Butler...if only I could get in your pants...

Anna says...

I remember once being asked (in grade 11) by my psychology teacher "Anna, how many times do you think about sex a day?" I remember being moritified. THINK...ABOUT...SEX?!?!? Me?? Of course not! I NEVER think about sex. I mean, it crosses my mind, but really for for a fleeting moment...(ehemmmm...can we change the subject please???).

Maybe I should clear something up. Just so that you know. Just so that we're all on the same page. I'm a 24 year or virgin. Yup. Nearing the cusp of actually being the 25 year old virgin soon. Funny, but I feel embarassed writing that even though I know I shouldn't. I mean, who cares? I don't think about sex afterall (....).

Okay. Question time. You're asking me why? A lot of reasons. I'm a practicing Christian (although I struggle with my faith weekly) which means that the 'big romp' only comes on your wedding night (in more ways that one...bodoomch). I'm East Indian which means that I come from an uberconservative East Indian family who thinks that if I ever did have sex (outside of being married) everyone in the mother country would eventually find out and the family reputation would be tarnished, no one would ever want 'used goods' (ha!) and I would be destined to be single and childless forever.

I don't think about sex.

That's a lie. I probably think about sex more than people who are actually HAVING sex. I'm curious... I wonder what it would feel like...Do you change afterwards? Is it like the sun explodes and you are never the same again? Does you mind become butterflies and fluffy cupcakes???

Religiously, I've always been sold that at after that point that you become one person, one flesh. I like that idea. I like the idea of being fused emotionally and spiritually with someone. You can't share that bond with just anyone.

I like the idea that a person would actually want to share something so personal and sacred with you. What a compliment.

I'm romantasizing. I know, I know. Sex can happen without a spiritual connection. Sex can happen without an emotional bond. But something in me wants that bond. Something in my head wants the "first time" (oh the cliches!) to be awkward and clumsy...and for the person who I shared this bond with to still be there when I wake up in the still think that I'm beautiful with no makeup on and a head of hair that remembles a bird's nest...Who will love me. Just me. All that there would be is love. Pure love. No dirty jokes. No crude comments...just love.

Can you imagine having that with someone? I can't. I cannot for the life of me imagine myself loving someone so much that it would literally hurt to see them leave. I cannot imagine waiting until the end of the day when I could see them again. Wonderful and painful.

So that's where I'm at. Very frank. But I'll keep you posted on my pro/con list. :)

Friday, October 2, 2009

To the Exes in my life....

Ava says....

We’ve grown up, we’ve grown apart, we’ve moved on. We may have lost touch purposely or by accident. We fell for someone else, we fell out of love with each other, we just weren’t the same. You used to be so cute, so sweet, so unbelievably amazing. Now you’re not but you are to someone else. Yet, I still think of you.

I learned things from you. I learned that who I was with you is someone I’ll never be again. I learned who I should be and who I have become now. I learned what I don’t want and what I do want in terms of a relationship. I learned what I want for my future and why, unfortunately, you can’t be a part of it. I learned that in many ways, I’m happier now. I learned the touches I like, the kisses I want and the positions I yearn for. I learned that trust, communication, and chemistry are the most important parts to a relationship. I learned when one disappears, how difficult it is to get it back again, if at all. I learned that I’m always willing to try until the trying becomes fruitless. I learned that I believe the best in people even if they hurt me. Fool me once, shame on you….fool me twice, shame on me. I learned to stick to my guns, love myself and believe that I am a fabulous femme who doesn’t need a relationship to be happy. I learned how to bury you and all your associated baggage. I learned I can move on with someone new without looking back too much.

But sometimes I still think about you. I wonder how you’ve been. I wonder what you’re up to and whether you treat her any differently than you treated me. I’m sure you do. I think about your family and wish them well and wonder whether any of your dreams, desires, or aspirations we used to talk about has come true yet. I think about how we were each other’s “one before the one” and how maybe you’ve finally found your “one”. I realize it still hurts to say out loud. Although, I’m happy now…..the heart still misses what once was. I guess it’s the human condition.