I remember once being asked (in grade 11) by my psychology teacher "Anna, how many times do you think about sex a day?" I remember being moritified. THINK...ABOUT...SEX?!?!? Me?? Of course not! I NEVER think about sex. I mean, it crosses my mind, but really for for a fleeting moment...(ehemmmm...can we change the subject please???).
Maybe I should clear something up. Just so that you know. Just so that we're all on the same page. I'm a 24 year or virgin. Yup. Nearing the cusp of actually being the 25 year old virgin soon. Funny, but I feel embarassed writing that even though I know I shouldn't. I mean, who cares? I don't think about sex afterall (....).
Okay. Question time. You're asking me why? A lot of reasons. I'm a practicing Christian (although I struggle with my faith weekly) which means that the 'big romp' only comes on your wedding night (in more ways that one...bodoomch). I'm East Indian which means that I come from an uberconservative East Indian family who thinks that if I ever did have sex (outside of being married) everyone in the mother country would eventually find out and the family reputation would be tarnished, no one would ever want 'used goods' (ha!) and I would be destined to be single and childless forever.
I don't think about sex.
That's a lie. I probably think about sex more than people who are actually HAVING sex. I'm curious... I wonder what it would feel like...Do you change afterwards? Is it like the sun explodes and you are never the same again? Does you mind become butterflies and fluffy cupcakes???
Religiously, I've always been sold that at after that point that you become one person, one flesh. I like that idea. I like the idea of being fused emotionally and spiritually with someone. You can't share that bond with just anyone.
I like the idea that a person would actually want to share something so personal and sacred with you. What a compliment.
I'm romantasizing. I know, I know. Sex can happen without a spiritual connection. Sex can happen without an emotional bond. But something in me wants that bond. Something in my head wants the "first time" (oh the cliches!) to be awkward and clumsy...and for the person who I shared this bond with to still be there when I wake up in the morning...to still think that I'm beautiful with no makeup on and a head of hair that remembles a bird's nest...Who will love me. Just me. All that there would be is love. Pure love. No dirty jokes. No crude comments...just love.
Can you imagine having that with someone? I can't. I cannot for the life of me imagine myself loving someone so much that it would literally hurt to see them leave. I cannot imagine waiting until the end of the day when I could see them again. Wonderful and painful.
So that's where I'm at. Very frank. But I'll keep you posted on my pro/con list. :)