Saturday, October 17, 2009

Dear People In Relationships...

Anna says...
Dear People In Relationships (excluding lovely Ava and Amelia),

Please stop inviting me to things involving your boyfriends or girlfriends. Yes, yes, I know it's their birthday and it's the VERY last time night they will EVER be 25...but, to be honest with you, I'd rather shove a toothpick in my eye that catch a glimpse of you and your bf/gf making out or licking eachother while I try to enjoy my eighth martini of the evening.

And! While, I'm writing this little note to you...I'd appreciate it (sincerely and deeply) if you would refrain from speaking about said bf/gf to me every time I run into you or speak to you on the phone. Honestly, I don't want know how hot the sex is (it really doesn't help when you're not getting some), or the fact that she's not spending enough time with you (might I suggest getting your own life?). And, just to let you know, when you say "God, I'm talking so much about him. I'm sorry..." your subconcious is giving you a signal to shut the fuck up. Follow it. For the sake of my sanity.

Also, would you mind not giving me sympathetic glances while you cuddle on the couch? I mean, I'm really, REALLY trying to hold back the urge to pour my red wine all over your white see-through blouse and literally jab the jagged edges of my broken wine glass at your boyfriend's neck.

While I'm at it, can I also inform you that the "Oh, you're leaving already" remarks at 2:00 AM make me want to scream. As much I LOVE and I mean LOVE hearing about your Euro-trash friends and your Euro-trash music, I would rather be sleeping or chugging sambuca straight from the bottle.

So, friends in relationships, although I know how much you just LOVE getting together for large gatherings of ALL your closest friends (where the single people in the room stare awkwardly at the interesting cracks in the walls while you give eachother handjobs under the table) please don't invite me. Really. I mean, come to think of it, you would be saving YOURSELVES the trouble! I mean, I tend to drink and stuff my face quite a bit when I feel uncomfortable, so just think of the money you'd be saving in booze and food alone.



P.S. Do you mind forwarding this to your friends too? It really would save me the trouble.

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