Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Closet Dildo

Amelia says -

I'm talking about an actual slimy neon pink rubber 9 inch long sticky dildo I found in my closet - no, it wasn't mine.

I lived at home my first year of university - which didn't save me any money and really put a damper on my dating life. I was never home and I was paying a crapload to keep my car full of gas despite my 3 trips to town per day. So me an my wallet sat down and talked about my options. I had to move into town. I asked this girl from my class if she wanted to live together because I knew she would be looking for a place. She said sure and that one of her friends would like to come too. But they couldn't move in until the end of the summer. So I spent 4 months living in our huge (empty - broke students don't have furniture silly) apartment alone.

I was working at a bar so I would get home at 4 in the morning and get up at noon, go back to work. I never managed to be home much so I never bothered to have anyone over. Nobody even knew where I live. And then one day ...

I was cleaning my place and when I had dug through the pile of dirty clothes to get to the bottom of the closet I dropped everything. There is was. Shiny. With lint and hair stuck to it. Pink. I swear, I imagined it throbbing. A Dildo. How long had it been there? I hadn't cleaned in a week, so it could have been days ago. Who left it? Was it a joke? Did someone think this was funny?

I called the girls who had the keys to the place but they hadn't been anywhere near the place. They lived in another town and wouldn't be coming back until September when school started back up. I asked the neighbours if they had seen someone. No. I called my sister who said someone must have broken in and I had to call the cops - which I did. Can you imagine how that went?

Cop comes to my house: When did they break in?
Amelia: I don't know
Cop: How do you know it happened?
Amelia: They left a dildo in my closet
Cop: laughs ... it was your friends
Amelia: No it wasn't, they don't know where I live
Cop: when did you leave the door unlocked?
Amelia: I didn't. But you can break into this place as quickly as you can say sex toy (ok - I embellished that part. But I did lock myself and Ms Cop out of the apartment with a butter knife an get us back in in two seconds flat)
Cop: What did they take?
Amelia: nothing
Cop: What did they break?
Amelia: nothing
Cop: What do you expect me to do?
Amelia: I don't know! You're the cop! Someone came into my home and did something in my room with a dildo and then left it behind! That's gotta be illegal. Can you at least give me a report number so I can get my land lord to put a deadbolt on the door?

Can you imagine the paperwork Ms Cop had to put in?

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