Monday, March 9, 2009

Confessions of a Video Store Vixen

*image courtesy of

Ava Says....

While Amelia and I were out gallivanting on Saturday night, we thought it would be interesting to investigate the fascinating characters that frequent the pornography section of a local video store. Coincidentally, both of us have friends that work at said video store so we thought, what better way to research the individuals who enjoy pornographic films than by interviewing those that sell them.

Some highlights of our conversations:

1. VSV: Do you watch The Simpsons?

Us: Yes

VSV: They all look like Millhouse’s dad

2. VSV: One customer returned a porno film he purchased a few weeks before claiming
it didn’t work. I asked him if it was scratched or damaged in any way and the
gentleman said no, it didn’t get me off.

3. VSV: One customer often comes into the store three times a day and rents three
different movies each time. Then he returns later on in the evening when the
staffing changes and rents six more
. That’s 15 porno’s a day!!!!

4. VSV: They all have bad breath and wear sweatpants

5. VSV: It is most entertaining to hear how they justify what they’re renting; “Who
Fucked Rocco”, cause it’s a mystery.

Apparently, some pornography fans like to stick to their own, like the elderly Asian man who seems to enjoy the Oriental Sex Academy series and his elderly wife who doesn’t mind returning it by the designated due date.

Later, Amelia and I decided to investigate the tiny squared adult film section of the video store. As we both wandered through the doorknob-less door (an issue that Amelia and I discussed at length and I will return to later), I’m pretty certain the young man perusing the best sellers wall blew a load in his pants when as he watched two hot chicks wander into the porn room.

Now I’m not sure if pornographic films are honoured with any sort of award show or recognition special but such witty titles as “Gaping Talepipes”, “Broke Back Mount Him”, “School of Cock”, and “Face Fucking Incorporated” should certainly be applauded for their…imagination? Personally, I am much more impressed when I see titles like these instead of “Big Titties” 1-45. You can bet these are films we’ll never see on the Oscar stage; and the nominees for best picture are, Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, Frost/Nixon, Doubt, and Gaping Tailpipes….riiiiight.

After copious amounts of laughter, Amelia and I decided we’d had enough smut for the evening (and then proceeded to discuss sexual positions that don’t exist, so maybe we didn’t fulfill out smut intake for the evening). We then pondered why there was no doorknob on the door and contemplated crawling underneath it to avoid catching any roving STI that might be lying stagnant. Thank goodness, for purse sized hand sanitizer.

Overall, we don’t quite understand the appeal of pornography but one thing is for certain, it makes for one hell of an amusing blog.

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