Monday, March 9, 2009

How I Met Your Mother

Anna says...
My friend calls them "dark club girls." Do you know who I'm talking about? They're those girls who may not have 'it', but who think they have 'it'...but are idiots and use flirtation and cleavage to make themselves feel desirable. Okay, yes...I'm bitter because I'm sure something deep within me wishes that I could be a dark club girl.

Dark club girls come out at night...Their technique involves them going to darkly lit places (ie. clubs) where they swoop in for the kill. They chat up random (and for the most part) creepy guys to bolster their self-esteem. They then tell everyone (including prospective lust-interests and uninterested friends/acquaintances/basically anyone who will listen to them) their success stories. They can be identified by the following dialogue:

- DCG: "Yeah! I had an awesome time last night...but this guy kept asking me for my number! Gross!"
- Anna: "Really! Was he cute?"
-DCG: "Hmmmm...kind of, but he was really creepy."
-Anna: "Ohh! Nasty. Shutter."
-DCG: "Yeah, and he keeps phoning me! I mean what's up with that?!?!? I mean, I kept trying to get away from him all night!"
-Anna: "How'd he get your number?"
-DCG: "Oh...I gave it to him."
-Anna: "Oh."
-DCG: "Yeah, well I didn't want to be mean..."
-Anna: "Don't you have caller ID on your cell?"
-DCG: "Yeah. But I don't want to be mean...Oh! And today, he kept saying hi to me when I walked down the hall!"
-Anna: "Seriously? Oh wait...was that the guy that you smiled at today and walked over to say hello to??"
-DCG: "Yeah. Well...I didn't want to be mean."
-Anna: "Oh....hmmm...ok. Yeah."

I've run into a lot of DCGs in the last year...and to be honest with you...they are f*cking annoying ( apologies...I'm attempting to not swear because it's a nasty habit that I'm sure makes me seem like a douche).

I think I'm just a touch jealous. I wish I could flirt...but I can't and it's not in me and I really don't understand how it works. I hate it when people try to touch me in a sexual way (hip rubbing, back rubbing, thigh rubbing...etc.) it makes me feel uncomfortable and I would never want to inflict that torture on someone else. I also don't see what the point is...I mean, if you try flirting with someone for the night most of the time you'll never end up meeting up ever again...unless you give them your number in which case you'd end up feeling rejected when they didn't email/phone, etc. Yeah, I'm really OPTIMISTIC about this, but the approach to dating these days seems to be:

Step #1: Get plastered. Or act more plastered than you really are (the pre-game).
Step #2: Go to a club (or bar) with a dance floor.
Step #3: Attempt to dance.
Step #4: (Guys) Watch. (Girls) Dance...with a lot of hip movement and hair tossing...the mating dance.
Step #5: (Guys) Pretend to be really REALLY plastered and muster the courage to grind with some girl. (Girl) Keep dancing....but try to catch a glimpse of who you're dancing with.
Step #6: (Girl) Turn around. (Guy) Hands on hips/ass....defining moment...if the girl pulls away you know that it's off. If you know it's on then (Girl) moves in closer and puts hands on neck.
Step #7: Dance facing each other.
Step #8: Potentially kiss (but it's okay, because your drunk your not responsible for your actions).
Step #9: Make a decision...go home (with Guy/Girl). Get a number (which if you get then you can 'forget' to phone because you can make the excuse that you're drunk about you lost it). Pretend it never happened (and if your friends ask then you can pretend that it never happened and that you were SOOOOO drunk!!!!!).

Forgive me if I would not like to participate in this mating ritual. I'd rather have a guy who had the balls to say he liked me and wanted to go out sometime (and run away!) than Mr. I'm So Hammered I Can Barely Say My Name Let Alone Yours trying to grab my ass all night...

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