Do you know what an ABC party is? It's a party where you wear Anything But Clothes. I recently ended up at one of these parties in a recyclable grocery bag top and garbage bag skirt (talk about sweaty inside all that plastic). My accomplice - who I refer to as "Just Friends" - wore a potato sack, coming extremely close to revealing his nut sack. Not that I haven't seen it before. Once or twice, under 20 times, I swear. We're just friends. Who kiss in public when we're drunk and make out like 13 year olds when we're bored. But that's just to pass the time. I'm not into him - I don't have that feeling, that vibe, that thing that you can never put your finger on but makes the really special ones so flipping special ... we just have everything but. And really, so long as it's anything but, and within reasonable limits, bring it on.
I went to eat Mexican food last night with a photographer pilot who changed our reservation from 6:30 to 7 without making sure I got the message that he left on the cell phone I don't have. It started out really well, I was half in the bag when he finally showed up. And he just wasn't as cute as I'd thought he was, and he wasn't as laid back as I'd hoped, or as open minded as I'd like, or as funny as I was looking for. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this guy except for the fact that he was into me, tried to hold my hand, and took it as a good sign when I agreed that I would maybe answer the phone if he called me to ask me out again tomorrow. I have no idea why not, but there is no way I am going. No, you can't make me, I won't do it.
So what the fuck is wrong with me? I practically have a relationship with a guy who I refuse to admit I practically have a relationship with. I go on dates with guys who I refuse to see the good in. You'd think I want to stay single and just be on my own right? Then why does my chest ache when I see sappy movies? And in India, why did I tie a red thread to a grate in a mosque and wish to find my person to be happy with forever? Why do I go to bed wishing I had someone in my bed to curl up against, to feel their warmth, their body, and to give the same sense of security back to? Why do I want to fall in love but refuse to do it?