Here I am. It's the middle of August already and the summer seems almost like a flash of heat, sweat, rain and light. I spent my first summer away from home...away from my family and friends working for the man. That actually seems more depressing that it is. In all actuality, my summer was fantastic. I knit two scarves, I learned about wine, I learned to cook a few amazing dishes, I worked on my body, I went for walks, I tried new restaurants, I got some pretty good work experience, I met a few new people, I watched a ton of movies, I read a couple of books (more like magazines, but really what's the difference)...I cried myself to sleep only about three times (which really isn't that bad...I mean that’s like within 100 days of summer).
I read somewhere that humans aren't meant to be lonely. We are meant to be social creatures. When we become solitary we get trapped in our minds and within our own fantasies. Suddenly the world doesn't seem so wonderful because your thoughts become more fascinating and superficial chit-chat with colleagues and acquaintances seems almost like a bother. I'm at that stage right now. I've become so trapped in my own little world...in this white house in Edmonton looking outside blaming them and not me...
It's a lot easier when your alone...no one challenges you. You are always right, because you simply are. You enter the real world and when someone attempts to enter into a discussion with you on something that you have accepted as being a truth-you refuse to budge. Instead, you nod politely and wish you were alone to silently fume to yourself about their stupidity and ignorance.It's a dangerous place your mind.
I cried myself to sleep on July 28th because I reached a low. It was 9:00 PM (or so) and I was in bed early. I had been invited out to a friend's house but decided I would rather be alone in my own bitterness. I started to feel that way...(do you know what I'm talking about?) when you are just plain frustrated with yourself. You're frustrated with how you feel. You're frustrated in the insignificant speck that you are in people’s lives and you realize how small and inconsequential you are and that you are most likely just a passing thought in your friends' and family's minds.
So I cried. I sobbed into my pillow for about 15 minutes (loudly because no one could hear me) and then turned on "The Holiday"-the scene where Kate Winslet in her little cottage in the U.K. to remind me that it’s okay to feel like crap sometimes.
I started talking to my 30 and older friends and family about loneliness. They all agreed that it is phase that everyone must go through, kind of like a rite of passage. Being 24, I have no answers for you. I am lonely. My weekends consist of me going out to get groceries and quickly running back to the comfort of my own home.
I don't feel depressed, but sometimes at night...when I start to feel it...I start imagining what it would feel like for someone to hug me (isn't that pathetic?) or what it would be like to hold a baby in my arms (even more pathetic because having children is the furthest thing from my mind) but closeness, warmth, connection (and not in a sexual or romantic way) is something that I long for. Maybe it’s the woman in me, but I have the feeling that it’s more like the human in me. I can't wait to come home and get hugs and give hugs. CHEERS TO HUGS!!!