Ava says...
You know that feeling you get when you kiss him for the first time? Or when his hand "accidentally"grazes yours even though you know he was just trying to hold your hand and chickened out? Or when he looks at you and you can’t seem to stop smiling? It sort of feels like you need to vomit or that there are hundreds of fluttering butterflies taking refuge in your stomach. It might not sound all that appealing when describing it in words but really there’s nothing like it and no one should settle for anything less than vomit-inducing butterflies.
It's hard to keep that feeling alive when you're in a long-term relationship. I was in a very (accent on the very), long term relationship and the butterflies disappeared far earlier than expected. It was my first relationship so really, I assumed it's just what happens when you stay with someone for so long. Don't get me wrong, I loved him very much but he was my first love and because I didn't have anything to compare him to, I figured it was normal. On the flipside, I've been dating my current boyfriend for just over a year now and still feel nauseous every time he touches me. This is the way it should be. Those butterflies are a surprisingly important part of a relationship. Your senses are heightened. Every touch, every kiss is just better. Every experience is special, they stay with you far longer and are the subject of many day dreams when you still have that feeling in the pit of your stomach. I can't believe I stayed in a relationship for so long without them.
Now I know all of you cynicists would argue that I could still be in the "honeymoon" stage with my current beau and that if I stick around long enough, those butterflies will flutter away also. Call me an optimist but I really don't think so. I have a fluttering feeling that those butterflies won't fly away anytime soon.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Anything But Love
Amelia says...
Do you know what an ABC party is? It's a party where you wear Anything But Clothes. I recently ended up at one of these parties in a recyclable grocery bag top and garbage bag skirt (talk about sweaty inside all that plastic). My accomplice - who I refer to as "Just Friends" - wore a potato sack, coming extremely close to revealing his nut sack. Not that I haven't seen it before. Once or twice, under 20 times, I swear. We're just friends. Who kiss in public when we're drunk and make out like 13 year olds when we're bored. But that's just to pass the time. I'm not into him - I don't have that feeling, that vibe, that thing that you can never put your finger on but makes the really special ones so flipping special ... we just have everything but. And really, so long as it's anything but, and within reasonable limits, bring it on.
I went to eat Mexican food last night with a photographer pilot who changed our reservation from 6:30 to 7 without making sure I got the message that he left on the cell phone I don't have. It started out really well, I was half in the bag when he finally showed up. And he just wasn't as cute as I'd thought he was, and he wasn't as laid back as I'd hoped, or as open minded as I'd like, or as funny as I was looking for. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this guy except for the fact that he was into me, tried to hold my hand, and took it as a good sign when I agreed that I would maybe answer the phone if he called me to ask me out again tomorrow. I have no idea why not, but there is no way I am going. No, you can't make me, I won't do it.
So what the fuck is wrong with me? I practically have a relationship with a guy who I refuse to admit I practically have a relationship with. I go on dates with guys who I refuse to see the good in. You'd think I want to stay single and just be on my own right? Then why does my chest ache when I see sappy movies? And in India, why did I tie a red thread to a grate in a mosque and wish to find my person to be happy with forever? Why do I go to bed wishing I had someone in my bed to curl up against, to feel their warmth, their body, and to give the same sense of security back to? Why do I want to fall in love but refuse to do it?
Do you know what an ABC party is? It's a party where you wear Anything But Clothes. I recently ended up at one of these parties in a recyclable grocery bag top and garbage bag skirt (talk about sweaty inside all that plastic). My accomplice - who I refer to as "Just Friends" - wore a potato sack, coming extremely close to revealing his nut sack. Not that I haven't seen it before. Once or twice, under 20 times, I swear. We're just friends. Who kiss in public when we're drunk and make out like 13 year olds when we're bored. But that's just to pass the time. I'm not into him - I don't have that feeling, that vibe, that thing that you can never put your finger on but makes the really special ones so flipping special ... we just have everything but. And really, so long as it's anything but, and within reasonable limits, bring it on.
I went to eat Mexican food last night with a photographer pilot who changed our reservation from 6:30 to 7 without making sure I got the message that he left on the cell phone I don't have. It started out really well, I was half in the bag when he finally showed up. And he just wasn't as cute as I'd thought he was, and he wasn't as laid back as I'd hoped, or as open minded as I'd like, or as funny as I was looking for. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this guy except for the fact that he was into me, tried to hold my hand, and took it as a good sign when I agreed that I would maybe answer the phone if he called me to ask me out again tomorrow. I have no idea why not, but there is no way I am going. No, you can't make me, I won't do it.
So what the fuck is wrong with me? I practically have a relationship with a guy who I refuse to admit I practically have a relationship with. I go on dates with guys who I refuse to see the good in. You'd think I want to stay single and just be on my own right? Then why does my chest ache when I see sappy movies? And in India, why did I tie a red thread to a grate in a mosque and wish to find my person to be happy with forever? Why do I go to bed wishing I had someone in my bed to curl up against, to feel their warmth, their body, and to give the same sense of security back to? Why do I want to fall in love but refuse to do it?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Lessons On Loneliness
Anna says...
Here I am. It's the middle of August already and the summer seems almost like a flash of heat, sweat, rain and light. I spent my first summer away from home...away from my family and friends working for the man. That actually seems more depressing that it is. In all actuality, my summer was fantastic. I knit two scarves, I learned about wine, I learned to cook a few amazing dishes, I worked on my body, I went for walks, I tried new restaurants, I got some pretty good work experience, I met a few new people, I watched a ton of movies, I read a couple of books (more like magazines, but really what's the difference)...I cried myself to sleep only about three times (which really isn't that bad...I mean that’s like within 100 days of summer).
I read somewhere that humans aren't meant to be lonely. We are meant to be social creatures. When we become solitary we get trapped in our minds and within our own fantasies. Suddenly the world doesn't seem so wonderful because your thoughts become more fascinating and superficial chit-chat with colleagues and acquaintances seems almost like a bother. I'm at that stage right now. I've become so trapped in my own little world...in this white house in Edmonton looking outside blaming them and not me...
It's a lot easier when your alone...no one challenges you. You are always right, because you simply are. You enter the real world and when someone attempts to enter into a discussion with you on something that you have accepted as being a truth-you refuse to budge. Instead, you nod politely and wish you were alone to silently fume to yourself about their stupidity and ignorance.It's a dangerous place your mind.
I cried myself to sleep on July 28th because I reached a low. It was 9:00 PM (or so) and I was in bed early. I had been invited out to a friend's house but decided I would rather be alone in my own bitterness. I started to feel that way...(do you know what I'm talking about?) when you are just plain frustrated with yourself. You're frustrated with how you feel. You're frustrated in the insignificant speck that you are in people’s lives and you realize how small and inconsequential you are and that you are most likely just a passing thought in your friends' and family's minds.
So I cried. I sobbed into my pillow for about 15 minutes (loudly because no one could hear me) and then turned on "The Holiday"-the scene where Kate Winslet in her little cottage in the U.K. to remind me that it’s okay to feel like crap sometimes.
I started talking to my 30 and older friends and family about loneliness. They all agreed that it is phase that everyone must go through, kind of like a rite of passage. Being 24, I have no answers for you. I am lonely. My weekends consist of me going out to get groceries and quickly running back to the comfort of my own home.
I don't feel depressed, but sometimes at night...when I start to feel it...I start imagining what it would feel like for someone to hug me (isn't that pathetic?) or what it would be like to hold a baby in my arms (even more pathetic because having children is the furthest thing from my mind) but closeness, warmth, connection (and not in a sexual or romantic way) is something that I long for. Maybe it’s the woman in me, but I have the feeling that it’s more like the human in me. I can't wait to come home and get hugs and give hugs. CHEERS TO HUGS!!!
Here I am. It's the middle of August already and the summer seems almost like a flash of heat, sweat, rain and light. I spent my first summer away from home...away from my family and friends working for the man. That actually seems more depressing that it is. In all actuality, my summer was fantastic. I knit two scarves, I learned about wine, I learned to cook a few amazing dishes, I worked on my body, I went for walks, I tried new restaurants, I got some pretty good work experience, I met a few new people, I watched a ton of movies, I read a couple of books (more like magazines, but really what's the difference)...I cried myself to sleep only about three times (which really isn't that bad...I mean that’s like within 100 days of summer).
I read somewhere that humans aren't meant to be lonely. We are meant to be social creatures. When we become solitary we get trapped in our minds and within our own fantasies. Suddenly the world doesn't seem so wonderful because your thoughts become more fascinating and superficial chit-chat with colleagues and acquaintances seems almost like a bother. I'm at that stage right now. I've become so trapped in my own little world...in this white house in Edmonton looking outside blaming them and not me...
It's a lot easier when your alone...no one challenges you. You are always right, because you simply are. You enter the real world and when someone attempts to enter into a discussion with you on something that you have accepted as being a truth-you refuse to budge. Instead, you nod politely and wish you were alone to silently fume to yourself about their stupidity and ignorance.It's a dangerous place your mind.
I cried myself to sleep on July 28th because I reached a low. It was 9:00 PM (or so) and I was in bed early. I had been invited out to a friend's house but decided I would rather be alone in my own bitterness. I started to feel that way...(do you know what I'm talking about?) when you are just plain frustrated with yourself. You're frustrated with how you feel. You're frustrated in the insignificant speck that you are in people’s lives and you realize how small and inconsequential you are and that you are most likely just a passing thought in your friends' and family's minds.
So I cried. I sobbed into my pillow for about 15 minutes (loudly because no one could hear me) and then turned on "The Holiday"-the scene where Kate Winslet in her little cottage in the U.K. to remind me that it’s okay to feel like crap sometimes.
I started talking to my 30 and older friends and family about loneliness. They all agreed that it is phase that everyone must go through, kind of like a rite of passage. Being 24, I have no answers for you. I am lonely. My weekends consist of me going out to get groceries and quickly running back to the comfort of my own home.
I don't feel depressed, but sometimes at night...when I start to feel it...I start imagining what it would feel like for someone to hug me (isn't that pathetic?) or what it would be like to hold a baby in my arms (even more pathetic because having children is the furthest thing from my mind) but closeness, warmth, connection (and not in a sexual or romantic way) is something that I long for. Maybe it’s the woman in me, but I have the feeling that it’s more like the human in me. I can't wait to come home and get hugs and give hugs. CHEERS TO HUGS!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I lost it to Kenny G
Amelia says -
And ever since there has been a string of men coming (cuming?) in and out of my life. I know, I'm often cruder than there is any need to be. They come with more and less interesting names than Kenny G did (not the singer - I do have standards). Like Demba (mmm .... favorite name, favorite face to go with it. Fuck he was beautiful) and ... Joel (favorite body, it's a shame he's a stripper with no brains).
I got stuck a few times. For progressively longer periods with guys who were progressively imperfectly suited to me. Shit hey?
And now I'm jaded and protective. While that's a fun place to be (sometimes), I'm not sure it's the kindest.
So I plow through them ... enjoying myself as often as possible along the way. Because I really do enjoy enjoyment, but if it isn't happening, I really will rip your head off and eat you alive. And now I'm on my second Sean (who I'm really into but in denial about), Ryan (a friend I sleep with when I'm bored), Jay (a friend of a friend I sleep with when I'm drunk), and Jerr (who I've yet to have a successful date with but who I'm strangely attracted to (at least physically - what?! the physical ISN'T all that matters?!) nonetheless.
(I didn't mean to but this seems to have turned into a post (host) of asides).
And ever since there has been a string of men coming (cuming?) in and out of my life. I know, I'm often cruder than there is any need to be. They come with more and less interesting names than Kenny G did (not the singer - I do have standards). Like Demba (mmm .... favorite name, favorite face to go with it. Fuck he was beautiful) and ... Joel (favorite body, it's a shame he's a stripper with no brains).
I got stuck a few times. For progressively longer periods with guys who were progressively imperfectly suited to me. Shit hey?
And now I'm jaded and protective. While that's a fun place to be (sometimes), I'm not sure it's the kindest.
So I plow through them ... enjoying myself as often as possible along the way. Because I really do enjoy enjoyment, but if it isn't happening, I really will rip your head off and eat you alive. And now I'm on my second Sean (who I'm really into but in denial about), Ryan (a friend I sleep with when I'm bored), Jay (a friend of a friend I sleep with when I'm drunk), and Jerr (who I've yet to have a successful date with but who I'm strangely attracted to (at least physically - what?! the physical ISN'T all that matters?!) nonetheless.
(I didn't mean to but this seems to have turned into a post (host) of asides).
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