The girl who never liked/lusted/loved

Amelia says -

Once upon a time there was a girl. She grew up in the middle of a city in the middle of a country in the middle of the world. Or so she thought. Turn the globe a bit and she's only on the periphery. She was perfect in every way. She had 10 little fingers and toes, all in the right places. 2 ears. 1 nose. A perfect easily given smile. Her mother was so happy to have her come into the world after a perfect labour and her waist line snapping back to a perfect size 6. Her father was imperfect - that slobbery, mangy, drunken bastard - so he was pushed out of the picture. But what nobody realized was that the girl wasn't quite as perfect as she seemed. She was just a little bit broken. And nobody really knew just what was broken either because no one can seem to determine whether we love from our heads or our hearts. But she couldn't love. She was made happy by gifts but they were quickly forgotten. She welcomed the attention and care she was lavished with but would not return favors with kind words, smiles, hugs or kisses. She laughed at the misfortune of others and could not understand just what kindness was made of.

This girl (let's call her Hita) grew into a beautiful young woman. Like a magnet, she drew every young man to her. They tried to woo her with presents, kindnesses, talent, bravado, culinary skills, mastery of the fine arts of knitting, skateboarding and composting ... all to no avail. what they did not understand was, she did not know how to love, lust or even love.

Through no fault of her own (how could someone so beautiful be at fault for anything?) she 'found' herself to be pregnant. And she began to grow in a new way. When the baby came, she too was beautiful but Hita did not know how to care for someone. She did not understand why she should be kind. She could not love the baby and she could not understand why she should stay in contact with the baby's father. He just wouldn't go away. So she killed him in his sleep. In court, she would not appologize no matter how hard his family cried or how often her lawyer told her it was in her best interest. She could not understand how two words could help anyone and she did not want to help in the first place. Deciding there was no hope for her, they had her sent to a psychiatric ward where she was chained to a bed, force fed through a tube and was rarely, if ever, bathed. No staff could stand her. She was so ungrateful and they could only conclude that she was egotistical, rude, uncivilized and boorish. Her beauty faded. She was neglected more and more frequently. She died in the afternoon with food on her chin, her hair in tangles, and her sheets full of filth.

And that, Anna dear, is what happens when you don't like, lust or love.

Veno anyone?

Clearly...I accidently drank too much wine. And no, it wasn't a fun story of me sharing a glass of white with some friends...more like me...alone...in my room...trying to get through Constitutional law....

So, here I am...12:28 AM. Sitting in bed...with my laptop...dizzy...thinking about nobody and somebody at the same time. I can't believe that this 'somebody' keeps coming up...keeps disturbing my bliss. Wouldn't it be better to never lust/like/love? I think it would make things so much more simpler. I wish I could be the girl who turns everything off...

But I feel like, just when I turn off the feelings in my head, the light comes on again. Out of nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. I mean, it's really pathetic...and I keep telling myself "Anna...SNAP OUT OF IT! You are a strong independent woman! You are supposed to be smart and confident and everything that one is supposed to be at 24...!" But I go to sleep and my mind automatically drifts to him. And 'him' seems so much better at night after 1/2 bottle of wine.

'Him' seems so much better after learning that everyone and their dog is in a relationship. I know, I know....this is pathetic...this is not the sign of maturity. Really the advice or whatever it is that I'm posting is a bunch of crap since I haven't really figured what it is that I want, and who I am right now is not who I want to be when I'm in a relationship (seeing as though I am constantly doubting myself and seem to get dizzy everytime someone I find attractive comes into the room....). I think I'm going to try to stay away from attractive people...really it's more work than it's worth.

Someone told me that I needed to focus on me. Stop worrying about everyone else and do what makes me happy. I made a list...a long list (that I won't share...but it was a good one). It finally made me excited about life because I started thinking, "What does Anna want...?" The problem is that he keeps interrupting my moments of peace...and I want him to leave my thoughts. I mean, why can't he just me a distant memory...Something that I'm embarassed out and that I will laugh about later? Why can't that be it?

I want him to want me. I want him to love me. I want him to realize that I'm all that he's ever wanted...Why can't he see that? Why is it that I can, and he can't?

What do you lie about?

Amelia says -

I was watching Sex and the City (that evil but wonderful display of female sexual liberty and independence - complete with freeom of cash flow and mostly independently beautiful, but sometimes gawdy, clothing and accessories). When it went to commercial, the network would flash little multiple choice questions related to celebs, the show, or to the things men and women do to and with one another. One such tidbit informed me that "39% of men have lied to get a woman in bed". Seriously? Could you go back and ask them all what they're lying about? Because that's a lotta lies, I tells ya.

Just by thinking about it I'm pretty sure I can guess some of the things they might be lying about:

"I really dig you" Often accompanied by "I'm totally sober" "I'm a successful ______" and "I've never had an STI"

"I'm single". Often followed by "didn't I mention I'm seeing someone?" or "what we had was just fun right?"

"I don't watch porn". Sometimes preceding or following you finding the names of multiple porn sites in their computer's "favorites" list.

"You're the prettiest/sweetest/best girl I've ever met" ... followed by silence after they bed you because they didn't even really like you - just wanted to get their rocks off.

and "I barely ever drink" contradicted by the drunken ass saying it.